On the morning of January 25th I was awakened by T having a seizure. I was thankful that God was watching over him and the details of the seizure so that the awful wasn't worse! T came into our room during the night and told me he had a bad dream. He never sleeps in our bed but he insisted so Joshua and T switched beds. A few hours later a felt the covers pull off of me and realized Trenton had fell out of bed. I started talking to him but realized quickly that he wasn't responding. It was then that I saw him having a full blown seizure. This wasn't his normal seizure...this was a grand mal seizure All my "on the job training" kicked in and I timed it, stayed calm, and did what I could to make sure he was comfortable. After what seemed like hours but in reality only a minute, it stopped. T didn't know what had happened and he was very upset. His whole body was paralyzed which is typical for him. After he fell back asleep, I tried to process what happened. I still don't know what to think or what the next step should be. All I know is that resetting the seizure clock back to zero after 2 years is a difficult thing to do! Over the last few weeks all of these thoughts tumble through my head. I thought I would give you just a taste of the thoughts tumbling around my head these days.
When I make him take his medicine when he doesn't want to, I hope he knows that we have researched countless medicines and options to help him be his best. When he gets annoyed with me checking on him so often throughout the night, I hope he knows I do it to make sure he is ok. When we change his bed by adding a rail, I hope he knows I just want him to be safe and that I did everything I could to make it "cool". When I go to bed at night, I hope he knows that I pray that God will wake me if he needs me. I hope he knows that I never want him to be alone or scared when a seizure hits. When we take him to doctor's appointments that make him feel scared, I hope he knows that we only want to help him get better. When he wants to stay in a place that is full of lights or action but we leave early, I hope he knows that we only do it to help his body function at its best. When he wants to stay up late but has to go to bed, I hope he knows that I only do so because the doctor told us that lack of sleep would be a trigger for a seizure. When he begs to have chocolate because it's one of his favorite things and I have to say no, I hope he understands that I just want to protect him from things that keep him from doing his best. When he is hot at school or playing sports and I make him stop to cool down, I hope he sees it as something I do because I care about him. When he accomplishes a new task, I hope he understands that I know how hard he works for everything he does and that I admire his persistence. When he works hard and sticks with something, I hope he knows how proud I am of him. I also hope he knows that I understand that this isn't easy for him. When I push him to do better and have him do extra homework, I hope he understands that I just want to help him grow. When things don't seem fair and he feels sad, I hope he knows how much I want to sit down beside him and cry because I don't always think it's fair either. When he talks about When I grow up...., I hope he knows that I believe that he can do anything because God has big plans for his life. Most importantly, I hope he knows that he is loved more than he can imagine and that his life is truly a miracle of God. I hope he understands that everything I do is out of love for him even when it really isn't fair. Yes, epilepsy stinks, but I hope he knows that with God all things are possible.